A Long Dark Cloud

I have spent a good deal of my life suffering from depression, which the people around me are often not aware of since I smile a lot, even while I am depressed. Over decades, the depression has morphed into something different, more visceral, like an enveloping dark cloud, going with me everywhere; sometimes I feel as if I am not really in the world anymore—my thinking becomes muddled and my vision begins to wane. I experience migraines as symmetrical kaleidoscopic apparition slowly expanding across my eyes before bursting like a bubble. Sometimes I feel seasick, but I have a passive accepting way of going through life.

Life often times feels like I am swimming in the ocean, sometimes floating and buoyant and other times having a hard time holding my head up and not drowning. Life is constantly changing; becoming harder to remember one day from another, they all seemed crammed together, squeezed by time as the end approaches. At times I feel as if I am in the end of the whirlpool about to sucked under. I can’t die yet, I need to finish my novel, which is the second in the series of a trilogy I have been working on for a few years but over the last six months have through to the end. Yet as my work comes close to the concluding, everything is being revealed. I can hardly wait to begin the third and final book of the trilogy.

I do my writing in the morning for two to three hours after prayer and study and often find myself in such revery, that when my time of writing is over, I feel beside myself. It is hard to explain. It’s like afterglow without a partner. When I don’t write I feel even worse. So today I went to the American Legion because I did not know what to do with myself. They were putting on a Hawaiian Laua, They had some venders and among them was a young woman with a musical vibrating bed. She invited me to to recline briefly on her bed then she hooked me up to the stereo and much of my anxiety just disappeared. We exchanged cards and being that I turn 74 this week I have decided to go for it and give myself a sound bath for my birthday.

Life never ceases to amaze me with the diversity of feelings and experiences I can experience throughout the day. No wonder I am exhausted at the end. I must admit, the thing that keeps me going every day is my routine: study, prayer and writing. They say, A man works from sun to sun but a woman’s work is never done. Man needs his work, without his work he will surely die. Woman’s work is continual, a never ending array of ointments and clarifiers to make herself beautiful. Without the beauty of woman, man’s work is in vein. In the words of James Brown, It’s a man’s world but it any nothing without a woman or a girl.

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